Venting about Addiction
16 Aug 2010 6 Comments
I know a thing or two about addictions, substance abuse, alcohol addiction, eating disorders and exercise addiction, gaming addiction. I’ve been affected by all of these directly, either having suffered some of them myself, had a partner with one or more of the above issues or lived with close family members who suffered and made myself and my siblings suffer too.
I think I have enough distance from my own problems and enough experience to support my opinion that addictions are the ultimate in self-absorption. I know that I was aware of the affect my behaviour was having on others but chose to continue punishing myself and although unintentionally the fact remains I was punishing those close to me for loving me. It’s a high price to pay to love someone who is set for self-destruction, or who is lashing out at everyone, their personalities changing, they are angry, resentful, secretive, belligerent, selfish, needy, they lie, steal, they are negative, even violent. In the case of a few alcoholics in the family and my Mother’s partner he saw the whole world as being against him, of course this gave him the perfect excuse to drink more.
Unfortunately instead of compassion for people suffering from addiction I find myself now just angry at them. I feel that when I fell pregnant with my first child I realised It could no longer be just about me, I had to pull myself together and become the person I was always supposed to be. The person I would have naturally grown into had I not sunk into the pit to escape feeling anything about the things I had been through growing up. So now I find I have little compassion for people who continue to indulge in their addiction, especially the ones who have children. A close family member works with children abandoned by mothers who are addicts, some of them have up to 7 and 8 siblings who are all in care. It makes my blood boil.
My own attitude shocks me; I am a compassionate person in most other aspects.I do have empathy for those that struggle to overcome childhood trauma, I just think that in your life there are times when you reach a crossroads. That is the time when you can no longer let what happened to you, those things that were out of your control, dictate the rest of your life. I know full well it’s not easy and that people stumble and the hard work comes after the outwardly showing signs of addiction have gone. The people who choose not to do this, I just can’t see them as victims; I think the real victims are the people who love addicts including the ones who put up with me and my crap. So what it comes down to is this, I am not judgemental at all, I just think that those who choose the wrong path at that crossroads are selfish, yes I hear how I sound!!!! Self righteous hipocracy or not?
What do you think? Addicts, victims or people too selfish to pull themselves together, if not for themselves then for their loved ones?
Aug 16, 2010 @ 10:49:34
Hi, Naomi sent me. I love your thoughts on this.
This subject, of addiction, is one very close to my heart.
I am at the end of a long line of generations of addicts, and I have been at that crossroads myself, more than once.
My selfishness kicks in when I realise how much I DO NOT WANT THIS PATTERN OF DESTRUCTION to continue. I cannot let my children being the next in line.
I am now free from all those addictions.
But my mother is not, nor will she ever be.
She is selfish. I love her, but she is the most selfish and self absorbed person I know.
I wrote about it here:
Diminishing Lucy: The Misery of Addiction
Take care.
Aug 16, 2010 @ 11:14:57
I have seen some of this, and it is not nice. Nor have I always been the most supportive friend/family member.
I think it is a fine line between the person with addict/eating disorder being in control and letting the issue control them.
It’s the self absorption I find so hard to accept and it’s the thing I get the most angry about.
But I know it is the person who has to accept their issue and get the help needed and sometimes I am tired of waiting and wanting it for them.
Aug 16, 2010 @ 11:20:52
Oh gorgeous girl! U stole the words outta my mouth!!!
Aug 16, 2010 @ 11:25:57
Thanks guys, Lucy my mother had the most horrendous childhood, and things only marginally got better after that, the thing I wanted as a child and especially as a young woman was for her to find peace in some way with the world and herself, to see her happy would have meant everything to me. I resent that she died miserable, a bad end to a sad story, My children will not know the details of her sad story nor the sorry details of my struggles but they sure as hell will benefit from the strength I have in me and he determination to put them first and live my life with courage and joy
Aug 16, 2010 @ 11:31:48
It is amazing what strong growth can forge from troubled soill…..
Aug 17, 2010 @ 02:25:07
“Addicts, victims or people too selfish to pull themselves together, if not for themselves then for their loved ones?”
Neither.
IMO, addiction (substance or psychological dependency) is a form of mental illness. That doesn’t necessarily mean I think they’re a victim, it just is what it is and they need help.
From the point of view of knowing people w/ mental illness, I’ve had to learn to help myself. You can’t rely on someone to pull themselves together because they love you. My mother is, and re-married to, an alcoholic. I lived w/ my father from 13-18yo and he was depressed the entire time, uninterested in life, me and my siblings, and we missed out on so much. 4 days after I turned 18, I packed up my shit and came here. I’ve limited contact with my mother and her husband because they’re still abusing alcohol and I don’t want that in my, or my kids life. (FTR my father is in the US and my mother is in Germany.)
If I had waited for them all to pull themselves together for the sake of us kids, I’d probably be next in line for some kind of addiction or dependency – anxiety is enough, thankyouverymuch.
When you’re sick, the crossroads isn’t always obvious. But I don’t have the tools to help everyone, so I have to limit my contact and hope they eventually come to one.
I do hear what you’re saying in your comment though. It would be nice to know they have come to a place of peace when their time is up.