Snagglepuss no more
18 Jan 2011 2 Comments
Okay so today I went to my Orthodontist and the news is in 2 weeks I get my braces off!!!
It’s been just over 18 months and I am shocked that it is now nearly over. Without going into details there have been jaw widening contraptions screwed into my jaw, there have been infections that swelled up my face to elephant man proportions, there have been tears and pain and then the last 6 months or so of not much drama. It was an overcrowding issue, compounded by the words echoing in my head from insensitive family and friends who teased me with the unfortunate nickname snagglepuss and a particularly unkind boy who made fun of me who then went on with his life probably never realising he’d helped to give me a major hangup. Asshole. Little 8 yr old asshole.
I didn’t think I’d ever have the money to get my teeth fixed. They made me feel embarrassed and ugly. In the end it had to be done as my gums were playing up and would have caused me problems later on. I’ll never forget seeing myself with braces that first day, I cried, I thought I looked monstrous, now I don’t even notice them.
So now these babies are coming off and I am already tearing up at the thought of seeing myself for the first time without braces and with STRAIGHT TEETH. Oh my God! I won’t miss all the maintenance or the self consciousness. I wonder how it will feel to have good teeth. This will be another thing that I can no longer put myself down for because I am gonna look damn good! I am smiling as I type that. Yes sirree. I am gonna wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and say “Damn girl, you smokin” And I am going to take really good care of these new teeth of mine as they have cost me well over $8000. Typing that hurts nearly as much as the jaw expander, ha. Maybe I will be brave and take a nice photo for my twitter, facebook and blog accounts, hmmm.
Stress Less
18 Jan 2011 4 Comments
Okay so 2011 is here and I am coming up to the end of my break, soon it will be back to the busybusy and goodbye to the sleepins and relaxing days filled with nothing, or something depending on the mood.
I have loved spending this time with my kids, learning a bit more every day about them as people. They are really funny, and bossy and interesting.
My main goal for this year is to stress less, to better balance the needs of the family, the demands of managing the household, my job, my personal goals of finishing my study, and trying to keep a strong marriage with my husband. To better balance all those things with just living, having fun, enjoying myself and the people around me.
I really want to give my friendships the attention they deserve this year. I find it so easy to let the busybusy take over and before I know it it’s been months since I had a conversation that went any deeper than “How are you?’ “Yeah fine, how bout you”. Let alone making new friends, it can be so awkward and if you miss the moment you can miss the chance to reach out to someone who you really like and would like to get to know more. I’d hate to think what it’s like dating now if saying to someone “Hey I like you, how bout getting some lunch or something” makes me feel like such an idiot.
Stress less…. how do I intend on doing that? Well this is the plan.
1. Limit time spent with people who make me feel bad, you know the ones, they give you backhanded compliments, criticise, dwell on the negative aspects of their lives, also the people who for one reason or another I have been trying to force a friendship with. Sometimes there really isn’t a reason why two people just cannot maintain a relationship, personalities that just don’t quite mesh, for the last few years I have been blaming myself for this, must be that I am being unreasonable, or there is some flaw in my character. I am really ready to let go of this and move onto discovering new friendships that feel natural, that don’t make me feel, well, crap. Maybe it really isn’t me, maybe it’s them! wouldn’t that be freeing!
2. Cut myself just a small break. This is going to be a tough one as I have a mega bitch of an inner critic. She is going to have to go take a chill pill this year though as I have finally realised I don’t need her telling me all the things I do wrong because I am only human and inherently imperfect and that’s really okay with me. Hear that Mrs Perfect, get stuffed!
3. I always come back to Yoga and it makes me feel so good, some of my first memories are of watching my mother do headstands in the lounge room and doing those freaky Yogi tummy rolling exercises. This year I want to find a meditation class and make it stick, just an hour a week to help me get my breathing under control and bring my cortisol levels back down from space. That and make my Yoga an unbreakable date with myself a few mornings a week.
4. Friendships for me with Women who make me laugh, who support my goals, who don’t take life to seriously and encourage me to do the same are a big part of staying calm. Life is stressful and shit really does happen, every bloody day. Having a laugh, a hug, a cry or just gossiping your ass off helps. It also helps when they ply you with alcohol (I don’t drink enough, I think that’s part of my problem). I am going to take chances this year, not be afraid to sound like an idiot, set up lunch dates, ring people on the ACTUAL telephone -shocking no! do better at staying in touch with beloved friends and family who’ve moved overseas, meet up with friends with and without the kids and for god sakes get out more with my Husband.
Anyway those are some of my ideas for making this year a better, calmer one, and if I fumble as I adjust to my changing outlook on things and I fail to keep promises to myself and I get shot down when I take a chance, then I am okay with that. I will just keep on going and not let everything get to me so much.
Peace out.
Venting about Addiction
16 Aug 2010 6 Comments
I know a thing or two about addictions, substance abuse, alcohol addiction, eating disorders and exercise addiction, gaming addiction. I’ve been affected by all of these directly, either having suffered some of them myself, had a partner with one or more of the above issues or lived with close family members who suffered and made myself and my siblings suffer too.
I think I have enough distance from my own problems and enough experience to support my opinion that addictions are the ultimate in self-absorption. I know that I was aware of the affect my behaviour was having on others but chose to continue punishing myself and although unintentionally the fact remains I was punishing those close to me for loving me. It’s a high price to pay to love someone who is set for self-destruction, or who is lashing out at everyone, their personalities changing, they are angry, resentful, secretive, belligerent, selfish, needy, they lie, steal, they are negative, even violent. In the case of a few alcoholics in the family and my Mother’s partner he saw the whole world as being against him, of course this gave him the perfect excuse to drink more.
Unfortunately instead of compassion for people suffering from addiction I find myself now just angry at them. I feel that when I fell pregnant with my first child I realised It could no longer be just about me, I had to pull myself together and become the person I was always supposed to be. The person I would have naturally grown into had I not sunk into the pit to escape feeling anything about the things I had been through growing up. So now I find I have little compassion for people who continue to indulge in their addiction, especially the ones who have children. A close family member works with children abandoned by mothers who are addicts, some of them have up to 7 and 8 siblings who are all in care. It makes my blood boil.
My own attitude shocks me; I am a compassionate person in most other aspects.I do have empathy for those that struggle to overcome childhood trauma, I just think that in your life there are times when you reach a crossroads. That is the time when you can no longer let what happened to you, those things that were out of your control, dictate the rest of your life. I know full well it’s not easy and that people stumble and the hard work comes after the outwardly showing signs of addiction have gone. The people who choose not to do this, I just can’t see them as victims; I think the real victims are the people who love addicts including the ones who put up with me and my crap. So what it comes down to is this, I am not judgemental at all, I just think that those who choose the wrong path at that crossroads are selfish, yes I hear how I sound!!!! Self righteous hipocracy or not?
What do you think? Addicts, victims or people too selfish to pull themselves together, if not for themselves then for their loved ones?
Missing the vote again
14 Aug 2010 3 Comments
Voting is part of being an adult and it irks me that I can’t vote in this country. Having come here 15 yrs ago from New Zealand as a 17 yr old I actually haven’t ever cast my vote in a Federal election. Voting and having my drivers licence (achieved last year thank you!) are two of the things that I have really felt left me out of the grown up club. Actually I’ve now lived here longer than I have lived in any country.
Born in Canada, I gained American citizenship as a toddler then was naturalized by my parents in New Zealand. I actually haven’t ever felt any particular national affinity or allegiance to any nation. Until recently that is. I am classified as a permanent resident but not a citizen. With the federal election next week and the possibility of Tony Abbott and the Liberals gaining office, it is really grating that I cannot add my voice to those that say HELL NO to that proposition. I have studied politics and have always been interested in the process, I like yelling at my TV about the dramas of the week and being part of the commentary amongst friends and in social media.
You see I actually love this country, though I only ended up here after chasing a boy, as you do. I love it’s landscape, the weather, the opportunities, the multi-cultural population. Australia has given me a wonderful, fortunate life that is full of possibility, my children were all born here, I was married here, my mother is buried here. She came here to start anew six yrs after me only to be diagnosed the first week she was here with the Cancer that eventually claimed her, she saw Australia as a brand new frontier with the chance of a new life. I found my feet here, I have the beginnings of a great career that I only discovered here. I live in a vibrant city with so many options every weekend of things to do, edged by a bay that is clear and so pretty, that gives escape from the heat of the summer and wind swept walks that blow away all your troubles in the winter. I guess I am now Australian at heart, I love it’s native people and can’t wait to see their culture integrated into the society the way Maori culture is in New Zealand. I love the crazy animals that look fantastically put together, like God got into the good stuff and was having a good laugh one night with his mates when he designed them.
I care about what happens here, to the environment, to the people who are disadvantaged by geography or the dynamics of their families, to the social inequity in Aboriginal communities and for the children who are being left in homes where they face daily abuse and neglect. I care that big corporations can come in and pillage the land of it’s mineral resources and take the profits out of the country. I care about running out of water and Australia’s part in the game of global politics as well as Australia’s role as a global citizen, welcoming asylum seekers, giving aid to developing nations and sitting at the big kids table in discussions that affect the future of our planet.
I’m excited that Australia has a female Prime Minister before the US and I don’t see why we can’t show them how it’s done in action against climate change too. Even if the sceptics can’t get on board about global warming data surely cleaner air and more efficient use of resources are as good reasons to tackle the change as any. And the right to marry for Gay and Lesbian Australian’s (while were at it).
So the question of becoming an Australian citizen (the elephant in my lounge room) refuses to go away, in fact it gets louder and louder every year and particularly every Federal election. I am as close as I’ve ever been to taking that step though it concerns me that I maybe be a citizenship hussy. Seriously, enough with the changes of nationality. I see myself growing old here, though I have a wish list of places to go and family that I need to see all over the world. What do you think Australia? though you didn’t have much say in me coming here, do you think I belong in your heart like you have stolen into mine?
the worst blogmother
26 Jul 2010 1 Comment
dear blog,
I am so sorry for neglecting you, I am ashamed to say that after a good start and all the best intentions in the world I fell into a void. It was filled with chatter, no focus just noise, things I need to do, things I need to do better, natter, natter, natter. I am sick of the chaos. So you see blog I need you, I need you to vent, I need you to focus my mind, to pick out the really important trains of thought from the endless self critique and other peoples noise. I promise to sit with you regularly and not be worried about the end result. I’ll give you my attention and use you for all the right reasons if you promise to be happy to see me when I come and be a non-judgemental place of respite from the busy, busy of the rest of my life. Deal?
love, Junegirl
La, la, la not listening
10 Jun 2010 2 Comments
Ever find out something that you wish you hadn’t and it just changes your opinion
entirely of someone? Tonight that happened to me.
Two days ago in the car I heard on the radio Beck singing Gamma ray which is a killer song, anyway it’s been stuck in my head since then giving me a really groovy theme song to my days as I go on with my business. So I go on You tube tonight to educate my kids on how cool Beck is and start reading the comments below the song and there it is “Love this song, shame he’s a scientologist” Dammit!!!!
Now, I am entirely embracing of all cultures, religions, sexual orientations, ask anyone who knows me, I love diversity. My problem is really just with scientology, I don’t think it’s a religion, it was created by a Science fiction author, the guy moved himself and a bunch of followers onto a cruise liner so he could operate outside of any country’s jurisdiction. The recounts of former members of “The Church” are chilling, I have looked out of curiosity at different websites trying to learn more, and it just looks worse the more you find. I don’t like Tom Cruise anymore, and I loved him when he was cute in that fantasy movie “Legend” can’t like Will Smith anymore and I loved him in Fresh Prince, Jason Swartzman, anyone seen Darjeeling Limited? Jenna Elfman, Jason Lee from My name is Earl- although he should be shot for Alvin and the Chipmunks. My point is I really like Beck’s music so why can’t I leave it at that, enjoy the music or the movie in the case of Tom and Will Smith and not get all caught up in the fact that they believe in such a load of baloney, conveniently packaged as a religion so they can get special tax status, cut people off from their families if they leave the church, stop people from seeking medical help for mental and physical health problems etc. I would like to unknow that Beck is a Scientologist so I can keep grooving out to his music, Actually hang on…Gamma Ray… hmmm, is that a reference to something Thetan or Xenu related? Ughhhh!
Actually I am going to answer this question myself, yes you can unknow something, if people can talk themselves into believing that Elvis and Michael Jackson are alive and that those vibration machines make you lose weight then I can totally wipe from my memory that thing about Beck which I can’t remember now… what were we talking about again?
ps- I think I may be a closet biggot, isn’t that the definition? writing off a whole section of the population because of their belief system, now that is scary! It’s like saying I’m not racist but I just don’t like Italians, I’m not homophobic, I just think gays shouldn’t be able to get married, I’m not sexist I just think women shouldn’t join the armed forces, now I’m feeling bad! Scientologists settle down, don’t attack my blog, go on with your bad selves! freedom of speech, freedom to practice your own “religious” beliefs, praise Xenu, yadda, yadda, yadda
Operation SOM
08 Jun 2010 3 Comments
Okay so we had our 15 yr anniversary this week but the truth is things have been pretty rocky for the past 5 years, we’ve been through a lot in the time we’ve been together, we both arrived with baggage ( even as the 16 yr old girl I was) and the first few years were tough. I was a trouble seeking missile those first 2-3 years, damaged and looking for an opportunity to self destruct, my husband stuck through it with me though I put him through hell and he had his own demons to face. I fell pregnant with our first child at 20 which was a blessing and gave me a reason to pull myself together. Though that was only the beginning of a long road to where we are today, the following years were bliss and trauma at the same time, bliss because of our boy and not long after a gorgeous wee girl, trauma as we cared for my mother as she was diagnosed with cancer which ultimately claimed her coupled with many trials surrounding my dysfunctional in the extreme family. There’s been struggles with addictions and the stuggle to repair ourselves as individuals from the damage done. Of course since we now have 3 kids together the usual demands of two working parents and a busy household of course have made it hard to find our feet as a couple. Of course I love my husband and our children are the best thing that ever happened to me it’s just that I struggle with the whole concept of being married, I sometimes feel like it’s a licence to take each other for granted, I feel like I have changed so much from that 16 yr old girl I was when we met and wonder if we would still be together or even like each other if we hadn’t had the kids or if we had met today. I think with all the resentment from the years of misunderstanding each other, the routine of working, taking care of the kids needs, minimal family support or time away as a couple that it has taken its toll.
So anyway things came to a crunch and we decided it’s do or die time, we’ve given ourselves a timeline to fix it or walk away… Operation SOM (save our marriage). We are looking for a marriage counsellor and shock horror we booked a Hotel room in the city for the night, my sister is taking the kids and we are going to have a night of freedom! It will be strange but overall I am looking forward to it. We’ll go out for dinner, find a nice bar with good music and connect as adults who hopefully will find we still like each other as people not just someone to bitch at for all the perceived slights and disappointments. It’s only a step in the right direction but it feels right and if it doesn’t work I know we will both be okay and that life is to short to spend it fighting and being unhappy, so since I don’t really talk about this to anyone I thought I might spill on my blog. Thanks for listening and keep your fingers crossed for us, okay, over and out.
A little taste of eternal damnation…
06 Jun 2010 Leave a Comment
Some people believe that if there is a Hell it’s personalised for each person, damning you to an eternity of that which tortures you most. This week I have been faced with a few things that I think would definately make up my personal hell, if I were to believe in such a place and if that is my destination once I depart this world.
This week I went on an excursion with my son’s grade to the zoo, these were grade 5/6′s and on the bus they broke into song, which at first seemed endearing, until I recognised the song… it was Justin Bieber’s ‘Baby, baby’ annoying yes, but after 40 minutes of them singing it over and over I began to feel my sanity slipping away and a sense of panic that the return journey would be a repeat performance. So yes, in my hell there will be loooooong bus trips with obnoxious children singing THAT song on repeat, forever.
I will also be stuck forever at a birthday party, at build-a-bear with 25 preps all pushing eachother and asking if they can have rollerskates for their bears with co-ordinating ponchos. All there will ever be to eat in my Hell is party pies, sausage rolls and lollies. And I think there will be lots of people telling me they are hungry and asking me what’s for dinner, and a pile of dishes that never ends. The only music there will be to listen to, apart from Justin is Taylor Swift played slightly too loud or sung in my ear by over enthusiastic 9 yr olds , wearing garish makeup and too short skirts, or Slayer blasting incessantly. So these are some of the things that made up my week, tell me what is your idea of your personal Hell?
Why am i oh&s rep?
25 May 2010 1 Comment
Seriously I am the worst person for this job in my workplace if not in fact the whole world. I am really blase` about my own safety, I think if I get hurt it’s my own damn fault, I learn to step over carpets that lift up or boards that are loose, I lift things the wrong way, I am egotistical about my own strength, I think regulations are for paranoid pencil pushers. Meetings are tortuous to me, I sit there mentally snorting at every item on the agenda. I know we live in an overly litigious world and it is good to take precautions to keep everyone safe but I just can’t help it, it’s just a bunch of bull to me and worst of all BORING! okay that’s my rant done about todays meeting, thanks for listening, stay safe people. PS thanks to the gods you havn’t got me as your workplace’s rep… no really, thank them.
Wild stories and gullible kids
23 May 2010 2 Comments
This post is about parents who embellish the truth or who flat out fabricate an entire family history. I’m thinking about this lately as I remembered some of the stuff my step dad told me growing up. I now understand he had a wild imagination and a strange sense of humour. Many times as a teenager and in my early twenties I would be telling someone something about my supposed family history and realise as the words came out of my mouth how improbable it was that it was anywhere near the truth. Some of these stories were designed to scare the hell out of us kids. Such as the lovely “Trapper John” story. To set the scene, we lived on a huge property with dense new Zealand native forest, no one lived near us for miles and miles. The house had been built on the side of a hill on stilts overlooking a deep gully covered in beautiful but quite eerie bushland. The story went that there was a ghost on our property of an old trapper (John apparently) who had died after accidentally shooting himself. According to my dad sometimes on his way up the hill to start the generator for the house electricity or to get some wood for the fire, he had seen the ghost of Trapper John walking through the trees ahead of him. Now as a 10 yr old girl who had to do her fair share of work on said property, often by herself, this story scared the living bejesus out of me. The next story is pretty mortifying, his family name was Czech and apparently it was a mixed German Czech background.
According to him Czechoslovakia used to be Bohemia he told me his family on his dad’s side were descended directly from Bohemian Royalty(Gypsies) and that me and my sister were actually Bohemian princesses albeit step royalty for me. Now in hindsight what little girl wouldn’t want to believe that! You have to understand he told these stories with such charisma and he added detail to the layers of bullshit, he even found historical “evidence” to back himself up. He found or created evidence that one of his ancestors had been one of the original pioneers in New Zealand and took us to a whaling outstation and told us that this is where our ancestor had lived. Later I found this to be totally false. Still I had an interesting upbringing and he gave me a love for the fantastic and a great story. I’m wondering did anyone else’s family fill their head up with utter nonsense that you accepted as fact, then were embarrassed when you espoused it as fact? by the Way I still am extremely gullible, I usually take people at face value until their words go through a few layers of filtering in my brain and I realise they are full of it. I choose to think of it as the downside to being an optimist and for the most part nice person as opposed to being a bit thick.
